a selection of tidbits that my parents like to send me.

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a selection of tidbits that my parents like to send me.

Postby Sadinmagi » Sun Jun 04, 2006 12:22 am

Here Kitty, Kitty...

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?



Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said
"Where are you?"
Ole said, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator said, "How do you spell that?" and the phone seemed
to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. Then he came back on and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St, that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the
plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other,
"Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Yust a minute", said the busy clerk. "Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink
I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars the bartender asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a
Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell,
dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked
Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about
Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must
say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said,
"O.K. You put, 'Ole died. Boat for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Sven," said Ole. "How many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"
After Sven replied, "I don't know," Ole said, "Only two, if you run
them through real slow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed."I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And dot's enough!!



POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
For a school project a young boy went up to his father and said,
"Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference
between potentially and realistically. Can you help me?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would!
? We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids
to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE
Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... potentially.......you and I are sitting
on three million dollars...........but realistically.........we're
living with two prostitutes and a queer."



MY LAST JOB AT WALMART!

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart" I said, "Are the children twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," I replied, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

I really thought I was doing well with the job, but management said I lacked tact--whatever that is
Sadinmagi
 
Posts: 121
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 9:26 am
Location: Wpg, MB, Canada

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