Mitch Hedberg Quotes.

Enter at Your OWN risk.

Moderator: Officers

Mitch Hedberg Quotes.

Postby arielyn » Sun Feb 20, 2005 1:31 am

Well, i've been spamming these in guild chat. and i'm sick of having to look around websites tryin to gather them all. so i'm gonna post them here. Barcode, Dealing, or aboo. If you think of any that arent here. lets add them as we go.



The Long List of Quotes

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.


You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.


This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.


You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."


I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...


I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.


This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.


I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...


I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

Why are there no during pictures.


I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."


A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.



My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree
Last edited by arielyn on Tue Mar 01, 2005 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Image

My Crappy Gear

www.worksinfaith.org
My Sister's non profit organization.
arielyn
Lurker
 
Posts: 2145
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:43 am
Location: Yo mamma's hizzouse

Postby Aboobaka » Sun Feb 20, 2005 11:51 pm

This is from memory so it may be a little off.

When my friends and I do acid, we go out to the woods. This one time there was a bear. My friend went up to it and pledged to help prevent forest fires. Later on he said 'Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.'

In England I can't tell that joke cause they don't have Smokey the Bear, they have Slappy the Frog as thier fire prevention representative. I think we should adopt this policy. When a bear approaches, people run away yelling 'Here comes that bear'. You never hear people say that about an approaching frog. It's more optomistic like 'Hey, here comes that frog. Maybe he will settle near me. I can put him in a Mayonaise jar, with a leaf and a twig, to recreate what he's used to.'
Last edited by Aboobaka on Mon Feb 28, 2005 4:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Image
Aboobaka
Member
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 5:27 pm

Postby Aboobaka » Mon Feb 21, 2005 1:03 am

I was in a Death Metal band. Everybody loved us, or they hated us. Or, they thought we were ok.
Image
Aboobaka
Member
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 5:27 pm

/cry

Postby bill » Tue Feb 22, 2005 11:51 am

So many repeats jesus take some aderol =p

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


:thumbup
User avatar
bill
Member
 
Posts: 12079
Joined: Fri Aug 08, 2003 2:21 pm
Location: Stoneham, MA

.

Postby arielyn » Tue Mar 01, 2005 3:21 pm

ok edited the dupes.
Image

My Crappy Gear

www.worksinfaith.org
My Sister's non profit organization.
arielyn
Lurker
 
Posts: 2145
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:43 am
Location: Yo mamma's hizzouse

.

Postby arielyn » Tue Mar 01, 2005 7:58 pm

a couple more i found.

I used to lie in my twin bed and look up at the ceiling wondering where my twin brother was.


xylophone starts with an x... Zzzylophone. I don't see it there should be a z up front, next time you have to spell xylophone spell it with a z. and if someone tells you its wrong say no it ain't . If you think its wrong then you need to get your head z-rayed. Its like X wasn't given enough to do so they had to promise him more. Alright X, you will have a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe, you will be associated with hugs and kisses, and you will mark the spot. Incidentally you will start Xylophone, are you happy now you damn X.

I have an oscilating fan. it looks like its always saying No. i like to ask it questions that a fan would answer no to.
Do you keep my hair in place..... no you dont.
Do you keep my papers in order......right again!
Do you have three speed settings? LIAR!


i have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Be cause i wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips

I like Rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. I also lilke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.

When someone hands you a flyer, its like they're saying here.....You throw this away.

"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers the'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That'sa double whammy! We need help! Bush search aparty of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."

"Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stickulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."

"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

"I get the Reece's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reece's and some guy named Reece comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."

"I'vwe been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."


more to come as i find them or other people add them......
Image

My Crappy Gear

www.worksinfaith.org
My Sister's non profit organization.
arielyn
Lurker
 
Posts: 2145
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:43 am
Location: Yo mamma's hizzouse

Postby SapphireSniper » Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:32 am

These are hilarious :)
Image
EQ: SapphireSniper - lvl 57 Erudite Wizard of Vazaelle (RETIRED)
HZ: Sapphire Sniper, Envoy of Aubadrine, Fiend of Dawn
46 Cleric, 66 Mason, 36 Enchanter, 21 Carpenter
44 Alchemist, 40 Miner, 24 Jeweler, 20 Gatherer, 8 Scholar (RETIRED)
ATITD 2: Sapphire Sniper (RETIRED)
SapphireSniper
 
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2003 2:59 am

.

Postby arielyn » Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:49 am

thing is sapphire, they're only half as funny to read them.... you should hear him deliver them.
Image

My Crappy Gear

www.worksinfaith.org
My Sister's non profit organization.
arielyn
Lurker
 
Posts: 2145
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:43 am
Location: Yo mamma's hizzouse

Postby SapphireSniper » Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:50 am

I have no idea who he is, but just from these quotes he reminds me of Miuu :)
Image
EQ: SapphireSniper - lvl 57 Erudite Wizard of Vazaelle (RETIRED)
HZ: Sapphire Sniper, Envoy of Aubadrine, Fiend of Dawn
46 Cleric, 66 Mason, 36 Enchanter, 21 Carpenter
44 Alchemist, 40 Miner, 24 Jeweler, 20 Gatherer, 8 Scholar (RETIRED)
ATITD 2: Sapphire Sniper (RETIRED)
SapphireSniper
 
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2003 2:59 am

Postby Aboobaka » Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:09 am

His accent is like he's from a place that only he is from. I just thought of the one, he says something to a guy with a lot of earrings and a nosering...piercings. Anyway he's runnin away and the guy catches him and says Hey! You got a lotta nerve and Mitch says Hey! You got a lot of...cranium accessories.
Image
Aboobaka
Member
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 5:27 pm

Postby wuupas. » Mon Mar 14, 2005 8:44 am

he has an overly slow, monotone, stoner voice
Image
Image
User avatar
wuupas.
Member
 
Posts: 264
Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2004 2:39 pm

Postby Aboobaka » Thu Mar 31, 2005 9:04 pm

St. Paul-born comedian Mitch Hedberg, a cult favorite on college campuses, died Wednesday in Livingston, N.J., while traveling between shows.

Pending the medical examiner's report, the cause of death appears to be heart failure, his mother, Mary Hedberg, said Thursday.

She said Hedberg was born with a heart defect and spent much of the first year of his life receiving treatment at the University of Minnesota. He frequently felt anxious about his condition and reported heart palpitations, she said, but "it was determined to be something that would be fine as long as he stayed within the reaches of normalcy."

See the rest of the story here http://www.startribune.com/stories/462/5323039.html
Image
Aboobaka
Member
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 5:27 pm

Postby Bilnick » Fri Apr 01, 2005 12:06 am

He was on the Howard Stern show a week ago or so. They were talking about Artie Lange's buddy Mitch dying today I wondered if it was him.

Too bad, he was funny the time I heard him on Stern.
User avatar
Bilnick
Officer
 
Posts: 5494
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 3:32 pm
Location: Saline, Michigan

Postby Aboobaka » Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:25 am

I don't think he stayed within the reaches of normalcy myself :razz Gbeye Mitch!
Image
Aboobaka
Member
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 5:27 pm

Postby Aboobaka » Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:32 am

God needed Mitch Hedberg, because Heaven was boring :razz
Image
Aboobaka
Member
 
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 5:27 pm

Next

Return to Humor

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron