Chili Contest

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Chili Contest

Postby Kaylar » Wed Nov 10, 2004 2:52 pm

My sister sent this to me awhile back. Don't know if any of you have seen or read this before, but I couldn't stop crying, I was laughing that hard. Enjoy.

> If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
> your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
> This story is told by Frank, an inexperienced Chili Taster who was
> visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
> other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
> spicy, and, besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the
> tasting, so I accepted.
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
> Chili #1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. An amusing kick
> Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
> Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy shit! What the hell is this stuff? You
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> Chili #2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> Judge #1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> when they saw the look on my face.
> Chili #3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge #2 - A been less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge #3 - Call the EPA - I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
> from all of the beer.
> Chili #4 - Bubba's Black Magic
> Judge #1 - Black been chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beens. Good side dish for fish
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is
> starting to look HOT...Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating? Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?
> Chili #5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
> my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other two judges asked
> to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> Chili #6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
> lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> Chili #7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> uncontrollably.
> Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit
> match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
> not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> Chili #8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge #2 - This final entry is a good balance chili. Neither mild
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on tip of himself. Not sure
> he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
> really hot chili.
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Postby Kiranna » Wed Nov 10, 2004 7:23 pm

Lmao thats was too funny.
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Postby fendeesha » Wed Nov 10, 2004 9:25 pm

Being from TX myself, and having attended MANY such chili cook-offs, I must say, that was spot on mate!
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Postby Irish » Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:06 pm

:jester :jester :jester :jester god that is terrible LOL
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Postby Rasputine » Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:06 pm

Some of you don't konw, but there have been several stories (true) that are very similar to this.

On another note, I don't know Texas chili but being from Kansas (yeah yeah - there is no place like home) I do know a thing about chili & BBQ. So if you want to try a good chili just let me know I will post my recipe.

Caution though : My chili is not for the weak.
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Postby Bilnick » Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:38 pm

My boss makes a chili he calls flaming sphincter (spelling?) chili. TRUST me it is aptly named. I can eat a bowl or two of it, but it just has too much heat.
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Postby fendeesha » Fri Jan 21, 2005 9:35 pm

For those who don't know good Texas chili, it's not the eating of it that really gets you. Most people CAN eat it, but 99.99% of people will regret it the next morning! Flaming Sphincter indeed! Most Texans I know could digest rocks with out any problems...
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