The Raid

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The Raid

Postby EQIsenhart » Fri May 02, 2008 3:19 am

The Raid-

You raid with these people. You work with these people. These people are
closer than your family. You should worry.

The GM- He's sacrificed his health, friends, and probably a couple of
jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isn't performing,
these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame
wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild
"needs". If you can keep your mouth shut, he'll go emo and quit before
you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went
crazy. See drunks, below.

The GM's Significant Other- Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he
tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She's terrible. You'll
effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every
attempt. She plays a Belf.

The Raid Leader- When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit

The Heir Apparent- When the GM goes psycho, ninjas the bank, and
gdisbands, you're the guy the guild is gonna look to to to fix the mess.
You see it coming. You can't decide if ritual suicide or being the new
gm would be more painful.

The Positive Officer- "That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of
guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the
second attempt is hawt." See Stoners, below.

The Negative Officer- "Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all
these goddamn volcanoes? It's Supremus for %@*@s's sake. GET OUT OF THE
GODDAMN FLAME!" See Drunks, below.

The Healing Officer- Has this job because, as the newest officer who
plays a healer, he's stuck with it.

The Hunter Class Lead- Will tell you that it does actually require skill
and preparation to play a hunter well in the end game. Lies frequently.

Metermaid- He's got meters running. Always. Asks for meter postage
whenever he's in the top 5, which is rare, as his focus on the meters is
preventing him from seeing the volcano he's pathing towards. Pulls
aggro. Has yet to realize that 0 health returns 0 dps. If he's healing,
you might as well just put him on raid, he's gonna heal them anyway.

Stratman- Has read every strategy on the entire internet for every boss.
Unable to think critically. Knows where his talk key is. Hated by the
officers. Likely to play a hunter or mage. If this is also Chick With
Accent, below, guild will probably collapse.

The Gay Guy- Affects the gay accent for effect. Upgrade decisions tend
to involve lengthy discussions about gear appearance. Learned to use the
dressing room function before the 'v'key.

The Stay At Home Mom- She's around children all day and craves adult
conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult
conversation doesn't usually begin with, "So I was talking to (insert
name of four-year-old child) and he says..." Well liked, but frequently

Mr. Mikeless- Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions.
Once wiped the raid because he started talking and most folks alt-tabbed
to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.

The Kid- So, you messed up on this guy's interview and nobody noticed
that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited
when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, he's young.

The Backbone- Plays a tank. Doesn't have much to say. Made an error once
in SSC, or so you heard. Will disconnect when Gorefiend is at 30% and
keep aggro while offline for the rest of the fight. Has never said
anything negative to the healers. Ever. GL with your progression without
one of these. Hates the prima donnas.

The Other kid- Remember that accountant you interviewed for the fury
warrior position? And how you wondered how he'd make time to raid during
tax season? He couldn't. His eleven year old daughter took over about
that time. She's been raiding since. Mages, that's an eleven year-old
girl owning you night after night.

The Hunter Who Doesn't Do His Homework- Always good for insightful
commentary and clever observation just after a wipe. "Holy Crap Man! I
was just standing and shooting and this damn VOLCANO popped on me! When
did they put in those volcanoes?" (Immortality's noob cousin)

The Prophet- Kept insisting that you were going to need a melee group
for BT, despite the fact hat melee was dreadful for SSC/BT. Badgered the
management until they broke. Plays a rogue. Shreds. Loved by the Most

The Most Devout- This is the guy who gets to play an off-spec in a
big-boy raid. He's the fury warrior or the enhance shammy. He cannot
believe that some fate is letting him have this much fun that he's
afraid it will all come crashing down. Prays devoutly to his favorite
diety that the guild won't collapse because he'll never have THIS much
fun again. Ever.

The Drunks- The core of your guild. As raid progresses, their voices in
vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You don't notice because
you're trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale
positively with blood alcohol content.

The Stoners- Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really,
really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under
the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have
their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. You'll see who's
in there. It'll explain a lot. Still, if these guys don't show, bosses
don't seem to actually die. They're also having more fun that everyone
else combined.

The Prima Donna- Requires special attention from management. Constantly
whining. Plays some vital role. Might be a main tank, mage tank, or lock
tank. The officers really hate this guy and as soon as they can find
another tank with 24,000 buffed HP, he's out. Not a stoner.

The Chick with the Accent- Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares.
Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned
by all single raid members.


The Healing Pallie- Hates healing and had to go holy to see endgame. If
you raid with a boomkin, a feral druid, a fury warrior, or any non-resto
shaman, you are not getting a 10 minute blessing. Forget it. He hates
you. God help you if he has a raid-viable alt in one of those classes;
you're not even getting heals. Also, see Prima Donna.

The Departed Legend- You joined after he left. You suspect that he could
not actually solo Doomwalker. But you're not totally sure.

The Disgruntled Raider- Took an unannounced, extended vacation and now
has to share his raid spot with the other 11 extra dps. Very angry about
this situation. Doesn't realize that ##@#*ing is making things worse.
Officers pray for a gquit.

The Warlock Whisperer- Directionally challenged. Despite having run
Karazhan 1.26 million times, will require a summon to Maiden's room from
the entrance. Has a "summon pls" macro. Strangely, is good at moving
away from volcanoes. See (you guessed it) Stoners.

The New Guy- Begins most sentences with, "That's not how we did it in my
old guild on Korgath." Likely to remain guilded for approximately one
week. You wonder if he'll be tellign his next guild, "In my old guild,
we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes.

The Backup-He's the guy waiting in the wings for the raid slot. Totally
dependable and plays about 200% better than the guy for whom he's
filling in. He's got half the gear and puts out 20% more dps. Totally
cool, amazingly competent. You love it when the main can't be there.

The Buff-less Wonder - Plays a class with group buffs, but "forgets" to
bring the necessary reagents. Highly skilled at turning a deaf ear and
blind eye to buff assignments. If reminded, will proceed to slowly buff
people one by one until someone else is overwhelmed by frustration and
does it for them. (Kantor, Scarlet Crusade)

Mr. Pick Me! Pick Me!- This guy is online and ready to raid. Always.
Need a prot warrior? He's got one. A holy pallie? Check. Problem is,
he's really bad. Like bad bad. You keep him in the guild because he's...
well, he's always been in the guild. So when your main tank, back up
tank, and back up back up tank have vanished Mr. Pick is ready to rock,
much to everyone else's horror. (Gaucho, Twisting Nether)

Tootsie - Has a female toon. Claims to be female. Receives many of the
benefits that the other females do, people are nice to her; she gets
suspiciously good loot. Problem is, she's never posted a picture of
herself, and she never talks on Vent. Could she really be a girl? Sure.
But who's to know? (Jayne, Mug'thol)

The Dumbest Person On The Planet: No one's quite sure exactly what's
wrong with this guy, perhaps human evolution really has come to a
standstill. Will be the cause of 60% of your wipes until he gets a
/gkick. Tell him to spread out and he'll glue himself to a squishy
healer. Tell him to avoid something and he'll stand in it till dead,
then complain that he didn't get any heals. Ask him to CC the yellow
star and he'll pick the orange circle then claim bleeding wounds debuff
on his target. (Zanadune, Vek'nilash)

The Obvious Explainer - This guy has read Wowwiki and probably written
some of it. He will stop the raid for 15 minutes before each fight to
explain to all the new people (of which there are none) that this guy
might produce ground fire once in a while or that the hunter adds might
shoot arrows. He'll warn that the boss can hit hard, tell everyone to
avoid damage, and remind the healers that they need to keep the tanks
alive. It makes you a bit worried that an obviously intelligent person
thinks you need spoonfeeding.
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Re: The Raid

Postby Worff » Fri May 02, 2008 10:02 am

Pretty funny... although a decent attempt at basic psychology and observation, overall it's rather inaccurate. Sounds like it would apply more to WoW players, since the WoW population would offer a different "sample" than the EQ crowd. There are some similarites tho haha, those are the ones that are funny.
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Re: The Raid

Postby Hilf » Fri May 02, 2008 6:31 pm

it looks like the guy made that about wow, wowwiki for example. pretty funny though when he started naming people
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Re: The Raid

Postby Caeliel » Thu May 08, 2008 7:15 pm

Pretty funny i think i know a few of the categories. :beer:
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Re: The Raid

Postby Serano » Fri May 09, 2008 1:32 am

did I miss the narcoleptic?
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Re: The Raid

Postby Ceruis » Fri May 09, 2008 3:29 pm

WoW sux. Someone should deguild Isen for even posting something remotely having do with that bastard game from hell. :banana
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Re: The Raid

Postby arielyn » Fri May 09, 2008 4:42 pm

*shrug pretty accurate even if you take out the WoW references.

WoW doesn't suck. Its just different. and boring after a while.

come to the dark side and play dungeon runners:)

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Re: The Raid

Postby Shadowboxer » Wed May 14, 2008 1:31 am

What is this dungeon runners you speak ok?!?!?!??!!!
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Re: The Raid

Postby arielyn » Thu May 15, 2008 3:29 pm

Free 3D Diablo 2 clone that is more of a parody then a clone. Its freaking hilarious.

For example, Here's a typical Quest- You must defeat PWnzJ00 for George Dubya Shrub, because PWnz keeps beating his Sitar hero high score. Or you have to Go rescue Jhordi from "La Forge" because he developed a magical Reading Rainbow Machine (Rainbow Items are the "Epic" items in the game.

Eh you'd have to check it out. its fucking fun as hell, and made by NCSoft.

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Re: The Raid

Postby Naiin » Thu May 15, 2008 6:59 pm

Ceruis wrote:WoW sux. Someone should deguild Isen for even posting something remotely having do with that bastard game from hell. :banana

dont hold back... tell us how you really feel LOL
The Way of the soft and yielding overcomes the Way of the strong and hard,
yet few are the number of those who follow this Way. -Tao Te Ching
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